“I haven’t spoken to my brother for months,” she said. “It must be almost a year by now. And he lives right here in Sonoma.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“No! It’s not okay. I try to forget about him, but it just keeps coming up for me and I haven’t a clue of what to do about it. I want it to be different but I don’t know what I could possibly do to make it any different.”
She said she’d kind of created her brother as “someone you love to hate.” But that wasn’t working. She felt that, out of respect for her older brother, she should do something. “But it looks like the Grand Canyon; there’s just no way to get across. I’m terrified to even think of talking to him again. He hurt me so badly and I feel so vulnerable.”
This conversation took place in a Sonoma living room where folks gather weekly to study and practice Compassionate Communication. Gertrude was quite new to the group and a little surprised she could be so open with something so personal.
Others in the room were not there to make judgments about her or her brother. Rather, they coached the newcomer in giving herself empathy, in connecting with what was going on inside herself as she talked about this long and upsetting separation.
Throughout following weeks, Gertrude learned to identify her hunger for reconnection, respect and mutuality with the estranged brother. She considered what her brother might be wanting and practiced through role-playing how she might approach him.
Then came the day she actually created a script, following the simple guidelines of Compassionate Communication. Gathering up her inner strength, she dialed the number and read the script into his answering machine, saying she was coming over to have a talk.
The brother’s first words upon answering the door astounded Gertrude. “Let’s not dwell on the past” provided a marvelous entrée into the new conversation she was there to begin! With the air cleared, Gertrude now stays in contact as the two of them rebuild their relationship.
Compassionate Communication, also known as Nonviolent Communication, offers a practical tool for reconnection, for conflict resolution, for stopping habitual unhelpful responses to things that trigger you. The process, designed by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., provides – in his words – a way to “Create your life, your relationships and your world in harmony with your values.”
Larry got interested in this process when he attended a seminar on a volatile political issue and witnessed a level of emotional response which was so intense as to be frightening. Afterwards, he wondered aloud if a way might ever be found for people so energized and polarized to have a moderate conversation about the topic. Seated nearby was Elizabeth, a student of Compassionate Communication.
Weekly sessions have taught Larry that no matter how different we may be, there are basic needs common to all of us. When we share the same need as the other person, this can be a valuable point of connection. With a note of awe, Larry proclaims, “This stuff really works.”
He’ll never forget the moment Rosenberg instructed him that other people don’t make him angry. What? Challenging as the concept was, Larry came to understand other people only trigger our emotions. He says he now finds it rewarding to take responsibility for his own emotions.
Larry: “When you’re stuck, in anxiety or whatever, you can read about spiritual practices and finding peacefulness, but nobody tells you how to do it. Compassionate Communication gives us a step-by-step process so we can get to that place of peace.”
Meredith brought a life-long load of guilt and shame to her study of Nonviolent Communication. She knew she was on a frightening downward spiral and saw no way out of it. She’d tried but hadn’t found an answer to her biggest questions, “How do I get out of these destructive old habits? How do I get past the anger? How can I really get in touch with what I’m feeling and thinking?”
Finding the answer to that last question was key to finding the others. She learned she has a huge range of feelings she’d never had conscious access to before. Take anger itself, for example. Whereas she’d usually been able to identify she was angry, now, in Compassionate Communication consciousness, she might speak of being annoyed or enraged, peeved or exasperated.
Observing the nuances of her emotions helps Meredith identify more specifically the unmet needs behind her feelings. Then she can consider strategies to help her get those needs met.
Everyone in the Sonoma Valley of any age, ethnicity or political persuasion who desires to learn and practice this language of the heart deserves that opportunity, I truly believe. At the end of February I’ll begin another series of classes.
Come to a free, lively and interactive Introduction to Compassionate Communication, this Saturday, Feb. 6, from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. or Thursday, Feb. 11 from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Marion Delong Room, Sonoma’s Library, 755 W. Napa St. Please arrive early as we begin promptly at 2 p.m. or 10:30 a.m.
